c o n s p i r a c y o f o n e . n e t

“I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain’t right”

Song: Roads by Portishead
Reason: We’re digging Portishead lately, and Roads is becoming a fast favourite, even over the bigger hitters like Sour Times and Glory Box. The song has power, but it’s under control at all times.

*sound of alarm clock*
*sound of Clark hitting the snooze button*
*sound of the alarm clock again*
Shower! Shave! Eat-breakfast-in-front-of-the-computer! Dash out of the house into another beautiful morning to the sound of Portishead!
Walk to the bus stop!
Ride the bus!
Observe the other people riding the bus!
Punch in!
Fade to titles!

When is a cup of coffee not a cup of coffee and something more instead? We’ll never know, alas. Scheduling difficulties meant that the entire episode revolved around Clark buying a book, reading said book, drinking an over-sized cup of coffee (although given that we’re talking about Clark here he probably thought of it as a fairly reserved amount of coffee), and delicately eating a chocolate and pastry twist. But that’s okay. Things like this are unavoidable, and if nothing else Our Hero got up earlier than usual and bought a decent book.
For the more curious viewer, the book was ‘A Writer at War’ by Vassily Grossman. Given how Clark couldn’t keep his head out of it, we can safely assume it was gripping stuff.

For the last week and then some Kieran has been on holiday, leaving Clark and Oscar to manage the workload. In spite of the loss of one warm body, and regardless of The Boss pressing even more work their way, Clark and Oscar are in charge of a workload that, if a little high, is still manageably under control. When you’re this good at your job it shows.

Clark is still working hard to look fantastic for the fifteenth, breaking some of his own golden rules to get into shape as soon as possible. Cardiovascular work? Blasphemy! What started out as an experiment involving watching an episode of Heroes while cycling away like a madman on an exercise bike has metamorphosed into late-night runs and signing up for a boxing class. The comedy value of the late-night runs is still impossible to calculate, espescially given how gamely Clark is trying to keep them up. What started as a simple jog around-the-park-and-back-home has become a jog around-the-park-then-a-bit-further-then-getting-lost-in-the-dark- amongst-the-back-streets-before-finally-ending-up-back-home. *phew*
Typing that I think we can all agree that Clark is as well suited to running as we are to reading those run-on sentences!
And the boxing? Hillarious. I think we can all agree on that, but after one lesson it looked as though all Clark’s hard work of late has paid off somewhat. Despite a variety of interesting new aches in unexpected places Clark was able to keep up with younger, fitter people who’ve been learning to box for far longer than he. If nothing else, his undampened enthusiasm means that come Monday we’ll have another boxing-themed episode as Our Hero returns to get out-of-breath…
*OOH! ICE CREAM VAN! BRB*
… out-of-breath, drenched in sweat, and both give and recieve punches to the abdomen, all in the name of conditioning. But it’s such great fun, why stop going after just one lesson?

~ * ~
Perhaps because I’ve found so many new and exciting ways to ache?
~ * ~

Aren’t you supposed to be preparing to look fabulous for the new Grease-themed Binge-A-Thon on the 15th? Think of all the energy you’re expending while boxing, running, and lifting weights.

~ * ~
I concede your point.
~ * ~

Clark’s misgivings aside, our future episodes are ‘Bleeding Through’ where Clark goes to donate blood, ‘Return of the Shred’ with a titanic series of Guitar Hero II duels, and hopefully ‘Falmouth II: Amnesty’ where Clark goes to support both a friend, and Amnesty International UK.

Until next episode, stay classy!

“You will look for me
And I’ll be gone.”

Not really Show related, but I was digging through some of my old writing and came across something that I wanted to reawaken. Here goes…

~ * ~

a bright day, a dash of cold in the wind.
early summer. the air is clean and fragrant with the scent of fresh flowers and new leaves gliding in the breeze.
we met at the train station where you’d waited for me on a wooden bench.
i pulled up in my car, a battered old thing, held together with rust and positive thinking.

and so, after a slightly awkward greeting, mixed with a shy hug, we set off.
i had a tape of Spanish guitar songs in the car that we listened to as we drove out of town.
it was my intention that the music would break the ice, that we’d sing along together, out-of-tune and out-of-time but enjoying ourselves nonetheless
you tapped your foot to the first song, patted your hands on your thighs to the second, and by the fourth we both hummed along, a happy resonance.
i’ll remember that ride forever. the smell of your hair in the confines of my car, that crackle underlying the music, the vibration in the air.

i’d packed a picnic based on our chat over instant messenger a few days before, when we were setting the wheels into motion.
unfortunately, i couldn’t stretch to caviar or oysters, so i’d packed a hot flask of clam chowder.
and you laughed. the sun on your skin gave it a luminescent appearance. your laughter was water over pebbles. mine, a powerful riptide.
you didn’t mind me smoking. marlboro cigarettes and a battered bronze zippo lighter. ash tapped onto soft green grass.
i said the sky reminded me of the ocean. for you, the clouds were mystical creatures. we lay holding hands in silent contemplation.

the drive home in the late afternoon took too long and was not nearly enough time for us to sate our hunger for each other’s companionship
we got to the trailer park by the time the sky had turned a soft pink. my home wasn’t the castle i’d hoped for in childhood.
you commented on the window box, but in truth i’d never been able to get anything but gypsophelia to grow there.
we walked up the three steps where i unlocked the door, let you in, and followed you home.

~ * ~

Encouraging to see that, even if I delude myself that I’m just a hack when it comes to using words I occasionally turn out something nice.

After finally reloading the OS on my main box, things are much less flaky. And to top it all, I was able to finally reflash the firmware on my SAN box - a Netgear SC101 with a pair of 320GB HDDs in it. I figured that it was about time I did so - for some reason it refused to reflash with my prior loaded OS, and for a moment I thought I’d bricked the poor thing, but it’s happily running the latest firmware and the latest SCM utility.

Points to remember if you’re trying to reflash an SC101.

• Don’t be afraid if it takes some time!
• Keep an eye on the network indicators in the status bar
• If you get the SCM utility trying to install itself, that means that the firmware flash is all over and done with successfully

On the plus side it does seem a lot more responsive since the reflash - hopefully the next flash to prepare for the Vista-compatible SCM won’t be anywhere near as painful!

“Don’t you know our lives are on trial now
And if we lose were going straight to hell”

Song: I Could Care Less by Devildriver
Reason: You need a reason to rock out? What kind of a blog is this?!

Welcome to a three-episode recap of the Clark Gable show! Rather than hit you every day with the same montage and turn molehills into mountains, we’re trying to keep this blog on topic. The updates are less regular than some of our viewers might like, but we’d rather hit the high points than trying and make something out of nothing. Luckily for you (and us!) we’ve got three quality episodes to recap; to the montage!

*sound of alarm clock*
*sound of Clark hitting the snooze button*
*sound of the alarm clock again*
Shower! Shave! Eat-breakfast-in-front-of-the-computer! Dash out of the house into another beautiful morning to the sound of Devildriver!
Walk to the bus stop!
Ride the bus!
Observe the other people riding the bus!
Punch in!
Fade to titles!

Without further ado our three episodes are: Clark Gable & The Shift of Doom! When is Coffee more than just Coffee? And How do you handle a problem like Just Good Friends?

Clark Gable & The Shift of Doom!
Why put yourself through it Clark? Just work harder and smarter, that’s what our audience poll had to tell you after watching that particular episode. For those of you who haven’t watched, TiVo’d, or downloaded from EZTV, Clark thought that he’d pull a longer-than-average shift to clear some of the backlog at work. Only, it ended up being even longer than he’d planned. Partly because he’d promised to look at a friend’s laptop, and partly because when you’re in the zone it’s hard to pull yourself out of it. Punch in at 8AM, roll out at 5PM 10PM. That, for the mathematically challenged, is a 14 hour shift. A far cry from your normal 9 hours! And what’s even more tragic is that Clark didn’t expect to be paid, or even noticed for putting in such a shift. On the plus side, the backlog at work declined dramatically, as did Our Hero’s stress levels in the following days. He even got to see a golden-coloured half moon on his way home, and chill to a spot of Xavier Rudd.

When is Coffee more than just Coffee?
Clark has arranged to meet a friend for coffee. A female friend. A female friend who’s not been in touch for some years. A female friend who’s not been in touch for some years and always harbored a thing for Clark. Being taken at the time Our Hero was, of course, too gentlemanly to encourage such feelings, but it should be an interesting thread to watch! From the brief screen time the Clark and his unnamed female friend have shared it looks as though the passage of years has been kind to Clark’s friend.
An interesting side note to this episode was Clark’s own ‘Operation Rambo.’ In a few weeks time two of Clark’s work friends share their birthdays and, in traditional work fashion, are inviting their friends (work and otherwise) out on the town for an old-fashioned Drink-A-Thon. Not that we or the show’s producers endorse binge drinking in any way, not least because it makes updates to the show somewhat unreliable! The theme, however, is movie characters, and Clark has been volunteered to attend as John Rambo. Queue Our Hero adding an extra workout to his routine, as well as an awful lot of exercise bike sessions in an attempt to shed half a stone to get a more ‘lean’ look for the event. Good luck finding a suitable wig Clark! Maybe Richard B. Riddick might be more appropriate?

How do you handle a problem like Just Good Friends?
Were you paying attention during our last recap? Romance and friendship can make for difficult bedfellows, and the less said on that subject the better! We’d go into more detail, but those of you who watch the post-watershed episodes will know well enough, and while no nakedness has taken place, is it only a matter of time?

Tune in again to find out!

“I’ll wear my badge. A vinyl sticker with big block letters adhered to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here.
I am not permanent.”

Clark has decided that he is no longer allowed to take holidays, and should remain an inmate at his job until such time as he is carried out as little more than a shattered shell of a man.

Clark Gable is… hard workin’ man. We should make that into a competition; place the quote, and see if we can’t find a prize for you. Or maybe not. I don’t think we have any prizes laying around worthy of the name!

But enough preamble; what about the recap of the past few days on the Clark Gable Show? We’ve had work! We’ve had money! We’ve had romance! Kind of! First and foremost however, the work. Over a two week period Oscar and Kieron, Clark’s erstwhile compatriots, succeeded in saving what appeared every machine Clark would have had to work upon during his absence. Instead of a clean, organised and tidy workplace - much like the one Clark left - we came back to a set that required some creative thinking to get the actors into, let alone the camera shots! Computers everywhere. On benches. On shelves. On the floor. Under benches. Under shelves. If there are any under the floor, and it wouldn’t surprise Our Hero if there were, then those hidden computers are yet to be unearthed. Where there were not computers waiting to be worked upon, there were cables. Where those cables were not, there was paperwork. Lots of paperwork.

‘I swear. I’m going to come back and ask Kieran where you are, and he’s going to say to me “I don’t know where Oscar is. He went ’round the corner a few days ago to get something and I haven’t seen him since.” And then I’m going to go round the corner and I’m going to look in the cupboard at the end of the corridor, and I’m going to say “Uhh Kieran. I found Oscar. He uhh… he didn’t make it to Narnia after all.” And you know, Oscar, I’m thinking this is pretty likely.’ - Clark to Oscar, a few days before going on holiday.

‘Thank God you’re back. I swear I was going to set off for Narnia any time now.’ - Oscar to Clark, the day after Clark’s return.

Needless to say, after some sterling efforts on the part of both Oscar and Clark, the workplace is starting to return to normal. Instead of a 7-day backlog, things are down to a mere two-and-a-bit days and still falling. In spite of unexplained power outages. In spite of intense pressure. In spite of an unexplainably high level of sickness in the workplace. These are the trials of Our Hero, and we couldn’t be happier that he’s working towards a qualification to get him the heck outta there!

We’ve had money! It was payday, and with nothing to spend it on, Clark is once more eyeing up expensive shinies to purchase. However, Clark trying to justify a £300 network attached storage box never seems to make it past the cutting room floor. We’ll gloss over that.

We’ve had romance! Kind of! Without divulging too much, given that some episodes of the Clark Gable Show are screened after the watershed, Clark seems to have managed, yet again, to wander into the arms of a woman. Given that Clark and the woman in question have been friends for some time the next steps are difficult to predict, but isn’t that why we keep watching?

Until the next episode!

“Open up and let it flow”

Song: Drain the blood by The Distillers
Reason: Who cares?! Clark’s been off work for two weeks!

After a short mid-season hiatus, the Clark Gable show is back on your screen from tomorrow! For those who are curious as to what happened off camera, the unfortunate truth is that not much happened; Clark went away for a few days, visited a tattoo parlour, and helped his brother edit a book. He also spent 18 hours on a coach, with six of those hours on a coach getting & losing a girl, read four novels and got back to work on his own novel. Not bad huh?

Coming in the new series however, will be, where possible, YouTube links to the song du jour; we’re already giving you a sneak preview which you can take a look at by clicking on the underlined lyric!

“Shut up you smooth talker.”

Song: Heroes get remembered, Legends never die by Four Year Strong
Reason: Friday night was awesome.

The show’s opening montage was a little disorganised today, as became clear to those who watched through the episode! Normally, we see those waking moments compressed into a thirty second span; Clark awakes, jams food into his mouth in a most uncouth fashion, showers, and heads for the bus stop at high speed. Today, the montage fell apart with Clark awaking to the sound of his alarm, before rolling over and relying on his drunken stupor to keep him from waking up too much.

Our Hero went out for a few drinks with friends last night. Being somewhat suggestible after a few drinks he found himself wearing eyeliner. And eyeshadow. And black nail varnish. He was, however, informed that he looked cute by his best friend. He was also informed that he looked cute by his best friend’s friend. Given that both of these female acquaintances have a taste in men that starts and stops in Jared Leto, and Clark looks nothing like Jared Leto, we can only explain away their behavior in terms of the quantity of alcohol consumed. Given that Clark finished off the best part of a bottle of Glenmorangie, and couldn’t count quite how many empty cans were arrayed around the place, we should assume that Clark probably did look cute. However, cuteness is subjective.

But rather than this being a simple story of drinking, guys with eyeliner, and bullet belts, there was, as always, a girl involved.
Clark thinks there was a girl involved.
How else could he have woken up with a mouth that tasted like cigarettes, and yet have no clothing that smelt of cigarettes?

Confidence is… not caring if you make a mistake.

… and when you sober up by 4PM, Clark, you need to think about moderating your drinking just a little!

“If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see
You can find out firsthand what it’s like to be me”

Song: The End by My Chemical Romance
Reason: Clark picked an album at random when he made it home today, and by a strange twist of fate, it was The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. It seemed to fit the mood.

Instead of our usual wrap-up of the recent events on the show, and forgoing the traditional montage that starts the show, today’s post will be handled by Clark himself through an extract from his own journal. Forgive him his emo, he didn’t have a good day today. Bless.

~*~ Things didn’t go according to plan. Not so much the fault of the plan itself, you must understand, but more a failure to consider that things might not work out.
This has necessitated a rethink on some things. In the wake of current events, where do I go? There’s no point in using the pronoun ‘We’ here, even in the sense of the Royal ‘We’. A single entity doesn’t have any business helping themselves to plurals.
The obvious idea is to use this Brave New World like the new opportunity it is. To treat it like a push out into the sunlight - a world where hiding from certain realities is, at best, folly.
Of course, before any of this can happen, we need to go back to the beginning and de construct.
No. Strike that.
Once upon a time we would have gone back and, like mending something broken, tried to analyse where the fault lay. That will not suffice today.
I was not the problem.
I should not treat myself as though my actions entirely led me to this juncture.
If there is a point of failure, an exact spot where the bend became the break, it is enough to say that I should have considered that things may not work out as I had intended. Had I planned for this, I would not experience both the denial and the emotional instability. I would not have had to endure the suddenly unwelcome feeling of emotional vertigo.

For the sake of providing a true and accurate narrative, let us sketch… let me sketch the sequence of events that took me to this point.

• I met a girl.
• With no small amount of wit and charm, I earned her affection.
• I lost the girl.

I can certainly appreciate the reasoning that lay behind my loss, and suppose that in a manner befitting hindsight, it was nothing more than a straight-line progression from where we began to the place we ended up.
The crux of my situation comes from two contradictions which… I do not know how to resolve into words.
“I’m afraid of losing you in case I can’t find you again.”
And…
“I guess I don’t want any emotional attachments. I want a fresh start.”

You can see why I was disinclined to employ some fast talking here. I could probably have spun the third act of this play out a little longer, but in hindsight in seems obvious that we were going to end up at this unsatisfactory conclusion at some point, regardless of what I did.

I have been alone for some time, and find myself unsuited to it.

This was not my fault, despite my desire to place the blame on my own shoulders.
If I am to blame for something, then I can say that I handled the very end poorly.
I walked out, and took advantage of a moment of distraction to disappear without a backwards glance, without a single word, without an awkward hug goodbye. Alright, I did look back briefly as I crossed the road, and I caught her gaze for a moment as I did so and if I’m frank, I’d rather not think about what I read on her face as I did so. On reflection this fits the way I behave perfectly, and suited my mood at the time perfectly.
I had feigned politeness since we had both awoken, accepting a glass of water for breakfast and nothing more.
I had made casual conversation. I even extended an offer for her to drop by my place later in the day, although I knew at the time that the odds of her taking up my offer were slim at best. No. I knew that she would not.
Even then, I still hoped, which goes to show the sense of vertigo that I felt. To have appeared to be a person of importance in another person’s life, and to suddenly find oneself reduced to unwanted emotional baggage is a difficult state of affairs to come to terms with.
Needless to say, I fought to keep my eyes off of her.
I will not sow the seeds of my failure by essaying at length just why it was so difficult. She was, and is, beautiful, and I shall leave it at that. ~*~

Being that it’s Friday, and that our punishing filming schedule has kept us from updating the blog all week long, the Clark Gable show presents to you a double-header of tunes!

Song(s): From Mars and … To Sirius by Gojira
Reason:  The songs blend from semi-acoustic, whispered vocals into a screaming semi-prog assault on the ears. Reflecting the last week rather well. Started quiet, became noisy.

At Clark’s workplace, K, the cleaning lady, has been missing since Saturday. K, from her bit-parts on the show, is well know for both her level of borderline job competence and her ability to monologue about nothing. In a society where the elderly feel so disaffected that they will talk about nothing to anyone, regardless of if they listen or not, K is a specialist.
The working theory about her disappearance was put forth by Clark on Tuesday and can neatly be summarised thusly: ‘She’s probably just run out of things to say, and is sat down on her kitchen floor in a catatonic state. As soon as she thinks of something to say she’ll be right back with us.’
Today, we learned the surprising truth of the matter. What had happened to K? Had she, as Clark propounded, run out of things to say? Had a terrible accident befallen her as she cycled to work? Was she taking an unscheduled vacation in parts unknown?
At this present moment in time, K is being detained by the authorities over the matter of money fraudulently obtained from the government. In the interests of discretion, further details will not be forthcoming (although they may make the show’s highlight reel at the end of the season!). Needless to say, the sudden bursts of stunned laughter that resounded throughout the workplace upon this revelation made the day rather memorable.

While the disappearance and subsequent relocation of K may have proven to be the week’s comedy highpoint, the real winner this week was the re-ignition of the Clark / M axis. Given that scheduling difficulties are still present, M’s appearances on the show are unpredictable, but the special episode on Wednesday was, judging from viewer comments, more than worth it. Clark made a journey to catch up with M in her new home town on Wednesday. The show’s closing moment that day? A goodbye kiss that turned out to say a little more than just ‘goodbye’.

Thanks for tuning in once more, and keep watching!

How many bees did I see?
Not a few bees; not a few dozen bees; hundreds of bees!
Hundreds of wild bees!!

To put the above quote into context, upon realising that his Championship Chili was missing a can of chopped tomatoes, Clark ventured forth to the local shop to resolve this minor problem and was lucky enough to observe a mighty swarm of bees, all of whom looked rather angry, but none of whom appeared to be wearing a World War I helmet & smoking a cigar. For shame.
Some fool must have disturbed them, but beeing smart little bees, they had all disappeared when Clark ventured back out to the shop fifteen minutes later to remedy his lack of beer for a later stage of the Championship Chili.

Song: The Leaving Song by A.F.I.
Reason: None, really. Just feeling sentimental and wishing the bees had still been there later on!

And no, you can’t have the recipe.